Hoe for a Day
$$ Business Clown Goes into Business $$
Regular readers and subscribers will know that Business Clown is certainly no prude. Long have I been in the game of organising sex parties and planning horny unhingery, but never had I actually done a sex for money. I’ve had plenty of friends and partners in the SW game. Its a great way to make a living, but it’s complicated for me:
First and foremost I’m trans,
Also I have quite a serious job when I’m not clowning. (Would you believe!!!!!)
Another serious activity from my life which I shall now reveal to you, is that I am writing a novel. The protagonist of the novel is a sex worker and I was reticent to write a SW story without gaining any personal experience. I chatted to a friend (Number 4 from Tramp’s Bday Gangbang) about getting set up, and doing a weekend of work experience with her… but life is busy. I never prioritised it, and it was only when she and I were booking a hideously expensive holiday that I thought - it’s time.
Barrier #1 - Gender Shit
I think for a lot of us neurospicy genderqueerdo folx, cutting your identity up into loads of little pieces is kind of part of the whole thing. My life already feels a lot like a patchwork quilt of different drag personas stitched together. I do occasionally perform femme drag, and enjoy how edgy it feels for me to lean into that archetype. The prospect of creating a femme persona to perform with random men, actually felt pretty exciting for me. There was a safety to knowing that only people who don’t know “the real me” (whoever the fuck that is) would get to experience “her”.
Even after pretending to be a girl for a whole weekend writing her there gives me so much ick.
I chatted to No.4 about where would be best for us to work. She is queer also but she’s a femme 4 femme lipstick lesbian, who is much more suited to conventional tastes. Even after femming myself up, I was only ever going to garner the attention of the “alt-girl” market. Also, I have hairy legs and a hairy puss.
No.4 suggested we go to a big city. She thought that if we were going to stay near where we live, I was gonna need to shave my puss and do my nails and glam up. This was something I considered, but I didn’t like the idea. In the end we decided that fortune favours the brave. Maybe the South West was ready for a big bad juicy, hairy boy pretending to be a dommy butch girl…
Barrier #2 - Serious Job
Despite staying nearISH where we live, we did decide to travel 40mins away, booking an apartment in the nearest city. I bought a new phone and got a new number and blurred out my face and tattoos in pics and wore sleeves. (All my recognisable tatts are on my arms) All pretty standard procedure for protecting ones identity in this game.
I will say that with the kind of work that I do for my day job, I do think it would be high risk to do this long term. But a little risk is thrilling hehe.
With both barriers considered and addressed, I felt confident to go ahead with taking action and putting a plan in motion. The next step with the whole process was by far the bit I enjoyed the least.
ADMIN
I honestly would have starting hoeing much sooner if it wasn’t for all the fucking admin. This consisted of:
Buying a new phone
Buying a new simcard
Setting up an AdultWork account.
Getting age verified
Taking pic
Uploading pics
Pics rejected for being too provocative. Editing and reuploading them
Pics rejected for being too provocative. Editing and reuploading them
Pics rejected for being too provocative. Editing and reuploading them
Pics rejected for being too provocative. Editing and reuploading them
Pics rejected for being too provocative. Editing and reuploading them
Writing a profile
Bio rejected for being too provocative. Rewriting profile.
Taking a photo with passport to verify ID
Retaking ID photo because photo wasn’t high def enough
Retaking ID photo because photo wasn’t high def enough
Retaking ID photo because photo wasn’t high def enough
Contacting the mobile provider of my new sim to remove filters on texting 18+ websites
Trying failing to mobile number verified on AdultWork
Basically it was a complete pain in the ass. There’s definitely a joke in there somewhere, about the biggest pain my ass felt from my weekend of SW was admin related.. idk. It’s not funny when I write it out.
My take-home is: Fuck the online safety act. It’s absolute bollocks that when you’re uploading pictures onto a website to BECOME AN ACTUAL HOOKER you have to look more modest than a Facebook profile pic. You’re not allowed to do a suggestive pose or show too much skin. I was literally standing normally, clothed, wearing a top and shoes and a pair of pants.. and I was still getting rejected! I even photoshopped the shadow of my nipple out incase that was it. No.4 told me to put the pictures in black and white, which for some reason fucking worked. So yeah, pro tip. B&W might help you if your pictures are getting rejected.
Who is she???
Good question. What the hell was my persona going to be. I don’t want to bait myself out too much so that you can find the account. But I presented as basically a watered down version of myself.
I thought about playing up the “I’ve never done this before, help me I’m so sweet and naïve” of it all… but I came to the conclusion that that would be way too dysphoric for me. If I was going to pretend to be a girl, it would have to be a strong, mean, dommy one.
No.4 pointed out that this could be too much of a niche and suggested that I advertise as a Dom/sub/switch. I have literally never properly subbed before but hey… in for a penny… in for £400!
I got the Tramp to take the slutty pics of me (that got repeatedly rejected by AW.) But when I finally got them up.. after countless hours of administrative labour. I had a h0t scary profile with sExY pIcS and the messages could start pouring in.
CLIENT CHAT
Call it beginners luck (or call it an algorithm that favours novelty) but I got loads of messages! And some from some really great people. I actually really enjoyed this part of it.
Obviously when you’re only booking an apartment for one day, loads of people wanted to meet at times when I was doing my day job or before or after the specific window we had in mind. There were also some time wasters, wanting free phone calls to extra pics to wank to.
Also even though I enjoyed this bit - I am at my core an addict. I’m now completely sober, but nevertheless addiction will manifest itself in many different weird ways. Phone addiction is a big problem for me, and during this phase my phone became even more exciting.
It was genuinely horny and thrilling going to check my phone at the end of the work day and seeing what mad shit people had sent me. I imagine that the novelty of this would wear off after not too long, but for this first timer. It was great. I enjoyed screenshots like this to friends.
I was having so much fun that at this stage I was like. God… now I’ve done all this admin maybe I should do this more often?
I chatted to a LOT of people in advance of meeting but somehow went into the weekend with only one booking. I think from what I understand is.. that’s the name of the game. A lot of waiting around. A lot of bullshit admin. Sometimes it pays off.
I think the whole new profile thing combined with being a dom, meant that I got loads of messages from little subby men wanting to have extended chats. At first I was indulging them, before realising that actually this was a waste of my time. I created an anonymous Paypal which I sent to a few of them.
No.4 told me not to worry about the lack of bookings. You can pay £5 on AdultWork to make yourself “Available Today”, once people see that lots of bookings would supposedly come in on the day. I could but hope.
*A brief aside*
No.4 really supported me during this stage. I will take a moment to say I genuinely couldn’t have done this without her. Having a wise person to fwd dodgy seeming messages to, or ask for advice on how much I should charge for my extras was honestly invaluable. I’m lucky in that I have lots of experienced people in my life to talk to about this stuff. But also the SW community is great. When I was first considering this a few years ago, I was added to a group chat where no-one knew me, and random SWers gave me advice and support for free. <3
I would strongly recommend against striking out on your own without anyone to turn to. There are people out there wanting to waste your time… and much worse! There are organisations like SWARM that run networking meet-ups, Streetlight who have helplines etc and also slightly different - check out Riot Party. They are a SWer lead collective who put on hot hot sexy parties and club nights. There’s loads of community out there.
THE WEEKEND
So. The purpose of this experience was first and foremost to make monaaayyyy. £££££££££$$$$ No.4 and I rented an apartment to work from for two nights. Saturday night and Sunday night. We arranged early check in so we could work from 1pm Saturday and have all day Sunday. This apartment cost £500, so we needed to make at least £250 each before we could even break even.
My only confirmed booking was scheduled for 2.30pm on Saturday for £400, so I was going into the weekend with some security. Should this first guy show up I would be at least £150 up.
When deciding where to work, No.4 made a very generous suggestion. As she chose the location we were going to work in, based on where she knew she would get most work… and as we were fundraising for a joint endeavour, we could split our earnings evenly.
We had a target in mind. When booking our holiday we spent £550 on travel each and our accommodation cost £600 total. To cover the whole thing AND our apartment for working:
£500 + £1100 + £600 = £2200
It was a lot. But we were prepared to work hard.
On Friday night I packed my bags. I was getting stressed because a lot of the subs messaging me, were asking what equipment I have. I freaking out that I didn’t have enough dom accessories. But then I remembered that actually I have fucking loads. I asked No.4 if it was worth packing any clown props, she said she was confident that they should stay behind.
SATURDAY
No.4 had several bookings with regulars. On that first day she saw 4 guys and made £790.
I had my £400 guy. He was nice. He booked me to sub for him which was obviously a bit scary, to have my first proper sub experience and my first SW experience at the same time. But in the end, it was basically just a vanilla experience, with me getting bossed around a little bit.
When I was setting up the room for getting dommed, I had a very different headspace from setting up the room if I was doing the domming. All the extra spicy toys got removed. I love to wield a baseball bat, but like fuck am I giving some rando free reign to whack me with one!!!!!
So. It did feel jarring getting told what to do by a man. I definitely had to fight the urge to tell him to fuck off, but I just had to remind myself of the crisp twenties that I’d hidden upstairs. He paid for 2hrs and left after 1. Love that for me.
I had a lot of people messing me about on Saturday. I popped out to the shop half way through the evening and was reminded of why. The streets were thronging with heterosexual men wearing Christmas jumpers being rowdy. I certainly did not to have sex with any of them. Not many people were on AW. The people who were, were probably drunk at their staff party.
After lots of messages from time wasters, and also interested parties that didn’t amount to anything, I was starting to get anxious no-one else was coming. That’s the thing. I brought my book with me for the weekend, but at no point was I ever relaxed enough to read. Four hours chilling in a nice fancy bedroom? Lovely. Four hours constantly messaging people thinking someone might want to come by with 15 minutes notice? Stressful.
Someone with abhorrent spelling requested an hour booking for 10pm. I hadn’t realised how much of a turnoff that was going to be for me. I was getting antsy. It was dark outside and the room didn't have a lamp. Was I going to have to fuck someone with spelling like that with the lights on? They were late. They kept saying they were already here. No.4 prepared me for the fact that this was likely someone who likes the power play of knowing where you are, and that you’re inside waiting and stressed. But then… at 10.20. He arrived!
He was very nervous and sweet and shy, I told him that I had a booking after so we would have to end at 11 (I didn't.) It was actually very easy money indeed. He said he was happy with “anything” so I gave him a massage as we chatted and I poked and prodded him with random equipment.
Then after maybe 15 minutes it all reached a crescendo and he left very satisfied.
Only two clients for me but both good earners. Very different experiences. When I first drafted this report, I included way more tea.. but I do feel a bit shy sharing about this one! Normally the data I collect is about other people. Anyway, if you’re a friend hmu for the goss. I’ve got some funny stories.
Together, we were doing well. £1390 by EOD Saturday. We were already 63% of our way to a fully funded holiday.
SUNDAY
I woke up on Sunday feeling ANXIOUS. I had zero bookings. One thing I think I’ve learned is that kinky escorting is a more specific thing, people want to chat more and book it a long way in advance. I had had loads of interest and people trying to book me for the New Year, or asking if I could be their key holder. I even had one offer to take someone’s virginity.
The other thing I’ve learned is: you need to have your number on your profile, when you’re “Available Now”. AW needs you to verify your number via SMS before you can do this. I’m not going to deep it too much because it was boring and annoying enough living through it, but basically: I phoned two network providers, visited one EE shop, sent countless verification messages, acquired four different Sim Cards, setup 2 WhatsApp accounts, and by the end of Sunday I still didn’t have my number showing on my profile.
No.4 had loads of bookings, I felt stressed because even though we were going to split the money. It didn’t feel fair for her to have to pull so much weight for me. As I see it, there were a few things working against me.
She had regular clients who had prebooked her
My profile mentions I have body hair
My profile only has an email link and not a phone number
As No.4 predicted, the area we were in was more normy GFE vibes, than bigger cities.
No.4 was having to turn clients away because she was too busy, she was saying I’m with someone who is available and sending them my profile. All said no thanks (a wonderful opportunity for me to practice humility.) All until Norman.
(name changed ofc)
Norman and I had a lovely chat on the phone where we established what he was after. He made a booking. £200. Thank fuck.
A second very easy day in the office for me. Norman was another client who was happy with whatever I wanted to do with him. He was very enthusiastic and filled with praise about many things. In particular my big hairy bush. For people of a certain generation bald puss is a bit scary. Afterwards No.4 and I were shrieking with delight, that he got to have that experience. He was absolutely precious. Again, if we’re mates I would love to do an impression of his accent for you.
So just the one client for me on Sunday, while No.4 continued to rake it in, but maybe not at the rate we had hoped. See below.
We had counted on Sunday being our busy day, but things were just not as busy as we’d hoped. Perhaps the Christmas jumper brigade were all hungover.
So our total from Saturday plus our Sunday total:
£1390 + £720 = £2110
We got 96% of the way towards fully funding our holiday. We were tempted to just staying a little longer to try and get all the way there, but fuck it. We’d done pretty well. Things weren’t cranking at the pace we’d expected. Time to call it.
96% of our goal is not at all bad. To anyone paying even a cursory amount of attention, it should be clear that No.4 was really pulling a lot of my weight.
The reasons for this, I’ve already gone into. Maybe I’d approach things differently if there was a next time. I’m interested to know how things would go for me in a city, where people have slightly more esoteric tastes.
Another interesting fact worth mentioning, is that I did a whole weekend of hoeing and I didn’t get a single dick inside me. I definitely wasn’t averse for the idea, but the first guy didn't request it, and my other two clients were sweet subby boys keen for whatever and I didn’t feel so minded.
Also, I had a pretty easy ride of it. Pie charts below show the percentage of booked hours that we were paid to be chillin, bc a client arrived late/ left early I. I suppose that because my clients were all longer sessions, that more of mine underutilised their time. Although! The biggest under utiliser was No.4s 1st client this morning. He used only 7 out of the 30mins he paid for. Great.
Conclusions
Omg I learned so many lessons from this experience. I’m also very aware that I was pretty lucky with the clients that I had. As we drove home just now, I said to No.4 that I was nearly finished writing this report. So in the car we were discussing… what ARE my conclusions?
Well. I think the biggest conclusion is how much love I have for my friend. It was a surreal experience to sit amongst stacks of cash at the end of the day. Count it all up and work out… “You need to give me two of those £100 stacks.” But she was firm that it was what we agreed. Maybe next time the tables will turn! Who knows. Anyway wahooooo! We’re going on holiday next week. Boy oh boy have we earned it.
Unless you count the weird sensory impact massages I gave, (which I don’t) I didn’t dom anyone. I just logged into AW to count, and I received messages from 24 separate people enquiring about domming. It’s not that it’s the wrong platform for it, but I think I was following No.4s lead on how she markets herself maybe wasn’t right. If I were to do this again and I wanted to maintain the same persona, I should maybe promo myself longer in advance.
The fucking phone shit. That really did me a dirty. After all that faff, right at the end as we were leaving the rented apartment, we finally worked out what the last step would have been to get my number on there. So we know for next time… if there is one.
I think in lots of ways I didn’t know what to expect this weekend. In other ways I think it was exactly as I expected. Idk. I don’t want to glamorise or diminish sex work. I can’t speak for everyone, this was just my weekend of work experience.
It’s interesting reflecting on why this feels like a big jump. I didn’t actually do anything new. It’s not unusual for me to feel exhausted on a Sunday after spending a weekend burning myself out with sex admin. But previously that has never been remunerated.
The newness lay in allowing people to she/her me and grab my ass without asking. Which isn’t really new, it’s old. I was a femme presenting teenager in the noughties. I’ve had a lot of ass grabbing in my time. So I suppose what feels weird, was allowing weird vibes that I don’t like back into my life. For a fee. I didn’t like that.
But. I have £1050 to take to the bank tomorrow. I like that very much.
I think there’s also some weird internalised SWERFy shame that I’m carrying. I actually hadn’t even considered writing a report about this experience. It felt like this journey was something too personal to put on substack. It was only when another SWer friend I was asking for advice said “I can’t wait for the statistics”, that it occurred to me that there was no good reason NOT to post about it.
So there you go. My tawdry tale.
Business Clown is logging off for a rest.
honk honk xxx